


i didn't understand, but i was terrified of love

by maybankiara (juggyjones)



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Background Relationships, Denial of Feelings, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:35:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24530911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juggyjones/pseuds/maybankiara
Summary: ‘How does it feel?’ he asks. ‘When you look at them?’Kiara shudders. The image pops up in her mind before she manages to stop it – John B and Sarah, standing in the kitchen, not noticing Kiara walk into the living room. His hands are on her waist, pulling her close to him, and his lips are pressed against Sarah’s forehead, his eyes closed. Her hands are wrapped around his torso and it looks so domestic, so… Kiara can’t even find the words.There’s a thought, though, and the thought comes suddenly, when John B leans and kisses Sarah’s lips. The thought is wondering what Sarah’s lips taste like – do they taste like him? Or do they taste like Sarah, still?— in which it takes kiara a little too long to realise that it’s not john b she loves, it’s sarah, instead.
Relationships: Minor JJ Maybank/Pope Heyward, Sarah Cameron/Kiara Carrera
Comments: 12
Kudos: 85





	i didn't understand, but i was terrified of love

**Author's Note:**

> the fic is based on an interpretation of _girl crush_ , primarily harry styles's version. title is from _no matter what_ by calum scott. there's a bit of john b/sarah.

Kiara has liked John B for as long as she can remember. Well, not _really_ , but long enough for that to become a thing that she just associates with herself.

Kiara Carrera likes John Booker Routledge. That’s all.

For years, she has taken this for granted. Sure, she is in love with one of her best friends, but it doesn’t matter, because they are all in love with one another, at least a little bit. She loves JJ and his disgusting sense of humour that never fails to make her laugh; Pope’s dedication to his academics and how much he always relaxes around the Pogues; and John B’s ability to get them all to do stupid things they shouldn’t be doing.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she’s okay with things never changing, because she doesn’t want them to. If she were to lose her Pogues, she wouldn’t know what to do with herself – who is Kiara Carrera without her closest friends?

It’s this kind of love that Kiara values over any other.

And it’s fine, perfectly fine, until John B begins dating Sarah Cameron and things change.

That’s also about the moment that Kiara realises that _shit, i’m in love with john b._

JJ is the one who notices it first. They’re sitting at the porch of the Chateau, waiting for John B to come back from his first date with the infamous Sarah Cameron. They’ve all heard about her – a Kook, a rich bitch from the wealthy side of the island. The Kooks stay off the Cut. They Kooks only date Kooks.

Pope’s away, studying for whatever it is this time. He made Kiara and JJ promise they’d call as soon as John B’s back, so it’s just the two of them.

Kiara’s fingers trace shapes in the dust covering the wooden planks. They’re doodles, nothing in particular, and the smell of weed fills her nostrils.

‘What’s up with you?’

‘Nothing,’ she responds, not taking her eyes off the floor.

She hears JJ shift and sees him rest against the outer wall of the house, legs propped up on the couch. ‘You’ve been moody.’

‘Don’t call me moody.’

‘See?’

Kiara throws a bit of dust at him, but it doesn’t reach him. She huffs, crossing her arms on her chest, and leans her back against the wall, too.

JJ grins. ‘I’ll poke.’

‘Don’t poke.’

‘Poke.’ He throws a toothpick at her. ‘You’re stressed out about school.’

Kiara frowns and an airy laughs escapes her, scratching at the tension within her. ‘No.’

‘Poke.’ JJ throws another toothpick and grins at her, widely, shifting his legs until they’re almost in her lap. She pushes them off, but he puts them back there, and she just gives up. ‘You’re stressed because Pope is stressed.’

‘That doesn’t even make sense.’

‘It does. You’re empathetic. It makes sense!’

‘Well,’ she sighs, ‘it’s not it.’

JJ nods. ‘So there is something.’

The air is filled with yet another cloud of smoke, and Kiara almost gives in to the feeling. She’s been feeling a little agitated lately for whatever reason, and the idea of smoking while not being completely herself doesn’t sound appealing.

‘Poke,’ he says. The joint is hanging between his lips and he’s sprawled across the floor, and it would make her laugh if it wasn’t something she sees every single day. ‘You’re upset about John B.’

Kiara shakes her head, but there’s something off about that. She turns her gaze away from JJ and begins playing with his shoelaces, instead.

He pulls his legs before she has the chance to. He’s looking at her in bewilderment, his mouth agape. ‘Holy shit. That’s it.’

‘It’s not.’

‘You’re blushing. It’s John B.’

‘It’s _not_ John B,’ insists Kiara.

‘Poke,’ JJ says. ‘You’re upset because he’s with Sarah Cameron.’

‘No—’

‘Poke. You’re jealous.’

‘I’m not jealous!’ she snaps, finally. Her cheeks are burning hot and it’s not embarrassment, regardless of what JJ might thing. She shoots him a glare, her chest heaving. ‘I just don’t like the idea of a Kook infiltrating our circle.’

JJ nods, putting on a serious face, even if you can see beneath it. He smokes the last of his joint and flicks the butt, puffing the smoke in Kiara’s face.

‘Whatever you say, Kie.’

What he gets in return is a middle finger, and the conversation shifts to something else. It’s only when they hear John B’s van pulling up that JJ gives her _the_ look, but she gives him the same so it stays between the two of them. JJ is a snitch, between the Pogues, but this is a line he wouldn’t cross.

Not when it’s about two of his three best friends.

Except John B doesn’t walk out of the van alone, and if she had any hope of things between the Pogues not changing, it all falls into water when Sarah Cameron walks over to Kiara and JJ, holding John B’s hand.

Kiara feels as if she’s about to combust.

Weeks later, the ongoing war between her and Sarah is the new Pogue thing. Kiara manages to convince them it’s about the whole Kook thing—‘She’s _not_ like me. Kook’s a Kook and I was never one’—and they all buy it, apart from JJ. Sometimes she think how they never give JJ enough credit for how smart and perceptive he actually is.

John B doesn’t notice. Pope doesn’t really care. He mostly makes bets with JJ on who’ll win each argument, and how long it’ll take John B to realise that he should probably choose between the two girls.

Thing is, JJ didn’t get it right – Kiara isn’t jealous. Pope is the one to notice that first, when things click for him.

The two of them are lying on a hammock at the Chateau, legs intertwined. It’s a breezy March evening and they’re wrapped up in a blanket. Not too far from them, John B and Sarah are cozied up on the couch. He has her arms around him and she’s leaning into his neck, his fingers playing with the tips of her hair. JJ is off somewhere, probably taking his “me time”.

Pope shifts in the hammock. Kiara feels the movement and it’s sudden, and when she looks at him, his eyes are squinted and lips curious.

‘You like John B,’ he says.

Kiara just runs a hand through her hair, pulling her lips into her mouth. She doesn’t know what to say.

‘Shit. You actually like him.’ Pope stares at you with a hand clasped over his mouth, eyes wide in shock. ‘How long?’

‘Not long,’ she admits. ‘It’s because of Sarah.’

Pope nods, as if he understands. ‘Because you were enemies in school.’

‘No—’ Kiara begins, but then her face falls and she grunts, throwing her head back. ‘Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. Sarah always hated me.’

‘You never really told us about your Kook year, you know.’

‘It’s just…’ Kiara sighs, tugging at a loose string in the hammock. ‘Sarah and I were really close in the beginning, and then she shut me off. She started hating me. And I don’t like her, okay? I don’t and I never will.’

‘Is that the whole story?’

‘I guess. No. I don’t know. We were best friends. She came up to me, the most popular girl in the school, the prettiest one, and asked me if I want to save turtles with her.’ Kiara glances at where the blonde is sitting – the sight of John B and her ex-best friend doesn’t sit right with her. ‘It was the best day of my life.’

Pope is quiet for a bit. Sarah’s giggle reaches the two of them and Kiara finally looks away, towards the other side, out to the sea. Its calmness is the opposite of the buzz of her own feelings inside her chest. There’s something about the whole situation that screams _WRONG_ , and it’s more than just John B being with a girl who used to call her best friend then broke her heart.

When Pope takes her hand, it’s sweet and comforting. He doesn’t smile, but she feels it, anyway.

‘How does it feel?’ he asks. ‘When you look at them?’

Kiara shudders. The image pops up in her mind before she manages to stop it – John B and Sarah, standing in the kitchen, not noticing Kiara walk into the living room. His hands are on her waist, pulling her close to him, and his lips are pressed against Sarah’s forehead, his eyes closed. Her hands are wrapped around his torso and it looks so domestic, so… Kiara can’t even find the words.

There’s a thought, though, and the thought comes suddenly, when John B leans and kisses Sarah’s lips. The thought is wondering what Sarah’s lips taste like – do they taste like him? Or do they taste like Sarah, still?

Kiara shakes herself out of the moment, unable to suppress the shudder that runs through her. She knows Pope feels it, but he doesn’t comment on it, and she’s grateful.

She looks at her friend, wondering if he can see right through her. ‘I just wonder what it feels like. To be her.’

Pope nods as if he understands, and Kiara thinks that maybe he does. She’s seen the way he looks at JJ and the girls he’s with.

Maybe the two of them are not so different, after all.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says.

Kiara gives him a sad smile. ‘Me, too.’

She wonders if he understands what she means.

It’s almost May when things start getting stressful. It’s finals time for the Pogues at Kildare High School and also for Kiara and Sarah at the Kook Academy. This is what the rest of their lives depend on – it comes as no surprise that John B and Sarah are in a constant state of arguing and making up, each cycle more passionate.

Safe to say, it drives the Pogues insane. They’re studying at Pope’s, mostly, as Heyward said he prefers to have his son under his roof when the situation’s as important as this. Kiara and Pope manage to get JJ to concentrate more than usual, adapting their own studying tactics to JJ’s ADHD.

They’ve begun to ignore John B’s cries about Sarah being mean to him, or how they’re on the verge of breaking up. It’s mean, a little, and Kiara thinks she should care a little more, but she finds herself non unsatisfied that this is the situation.

She doesn’t think either of them are happy.

One of many stress-filled Fridays rolls around and they take a break from studying, chilling in John B’s living room. JJ has a joint between his teeth, despite John B saying his dad’s going to complain about the smell. His legs are propped up on Pope’s lap, inconspicuously, but Kiara can see the tension in Pope’s neck.

She wonders if she has those little tells, too, when she looks at John B and Sarah.

Her gaze shifts to them and she feels her stomach twisting in on itself. Sarah’s half-sitting in John B’s lap, her bare legs peeking out of the blanket. She’s freshly shaven – Kiara finds herself trying to guess if it feels as soft as it looks, and what John B’s fingers must feel like on them.

JJ’s laugh breaks Kiara out of her trance. She laughs, too, because when she turns her head, JJ’s upper half is on the floor and Pope’s holding onto his feet, looking mildly inconvenienced.

‘Asshole,’ Pope mutters.

The Pogues laugh and JJ blows him a kiss, making himself comfortable on the floor. Kiara notices the twitch of Pope’s ear, the one specific tell he has – he doesn’t blush, not really, but his ears twitch.

She laughs, a bit longer than everyone else. Pope glances at her and she shakes her head. ‘Y’all are idiots.’

Behind her, Sarah laughs, too. It’s a sound lower than she’d except, and she still hasn’t gotten used to it, months later. Kiara glances at her and catches the girl smiling at her, resting her cheek against John B’s shoulder.

Kiara looks away. It hurts too much.

It’s Pope who holds her gaze and he gives her this half-smile that almost breaks her heart. Somewhere along the line, they realised both of them are just pining after people they shouldn’t like that way.

But Pope smiles when JJ tries to kick him in the chin, helps him get up, and JJ smacks a kiss on his cheek. It’s not the same, it’s not what Pope wants, but it’s more than she could ever get. JJ only has eyes for the Pogues, and Pope is getting the most of his affection – John B only has eyes for Sarah.

It’s not like she can blame him. Still, she can’t help but think about Sarah’s golden hair, soft over her shoulder; she wonders what keeps John B kissing her. Does she kiss good? Is she good with her tongue, with her lips, with her words? She wonders what it feels like to run her fingers through Sarah’s hair, letting them rest on her neck.

She just wants to know what’s so special about her.

This time, when she glances at Sarah, it hurts as much as any other.

But not as much as it does when they break up, not even three days later, and Kiara ends up being the one consoling Sarah. It’s awkward, at first, because Kiara still kind of resents her for what happened freshman year. The two of them are sitting on the floor of Sarah’s bed, listening to Frank Ocean because apparently that’s what straight white girls listen to after a breakup.

Kiara is drawing. She’s doodling in her notebook, wishing she could be studying, but knows that Sarah needs her. They’ve only recently learned that most of Sarah’s friend didn’t support her relationship with John B and her friendship with the Pogues, and she was more alone than ever.

_like i was first year_ , Kiara thinks.

Sarah glances at her. She’s sitting with her back against the bed, legs pressed close to her chest, arms wrapped around them. Her face is sour, tearful, but there are no tears on it.

Kiara puts down her notebook, sighing. ‘I don’t get why you asked for me. You don’t like me, I don’t like you.’

‘I never said I don’t like you.’ Sarah’s voice is quiet, miles away from the usual girl. She looks almost guilty; something bubbles in Kiara’s chest, but she pushes it down.

‘You didn’t invite me to your birthday party.’

‘Are you talking about my sixteenth birthday?’

‘Yes.’

‘Kie, that was two years ago,’ she says, voice breathy from shock. Her head’s tilted and lips parted, eyebrows making the slightest of movements. ‘Is that why?’

_she doesn’t understand_ , Kiara realises. ‘You cast me out, Sarah. We were best friends. The day we met is one of the best days of my life. And then, you just—’

Kiara pauses, because she can feel she’s about to say things she could regret. She focuses on her breathing and relaxes it, fingers playing with the hem of her shirt. She doesn’t drop Sarah’s gaze, but Sarah’s eyes lower and she’s staring at the floor.

This is the first time a tear slides down the girl’s cheek, after all she’s been through.

She sniffles and smiles through whatever it is she’s feeling. ‘I have—’ she pauses, clearing her throat. When she locks eyes with Kiara, there’s something different in them – something she saw in Pope’s eyes all those months ago. _Understanding._ ‘Do you know why I broke up with John B?’

Kiara shakes her head.

The smile that Sarah gives her is sad, but not a _devastated_ kind of sad. It’s the sad that glows in sunlight, that looks almost golden, that makes your eyes tear up because it’s too intense. It’s not inherently negative, but it’s full of emotion, hidden beneath a sheer exterior.

‘I can’t stand it when people like me. Not like you liked me,’ Sarah says, her voice barely louder than a whisper. ‘I push them away. I thought it was different with John B, but I couldn’t— I was wrong. It wasn’t John B.’

There’s a moment of silence, and Kiara feels as if there’s something more going on. She knows, vaguely, of the conversation that took place prior to Sarah giving her a phone call and asking her to come over. It was Sarah’s call to end the relationship, and both of them seemed kind of certain that it ended for good.

Suddenly, the idea of Sarah not being at the Chateau, with the Pogues, seems almost impossible. It feels like a vision from a different world – a world that somehow doesn’t seem right, not anymore.

Kiara takes her eyes off the blonde. Her eyes fall on the sketchbook, where his hand has been tracing a shape, and she realises it’s not a shape, but a person.

She closes the notebook. Her throat is dry and Sarah is looking at her, and maybe the silence between them is a little too loud.

‘You were my best friend,’ she finally said. ‘Of course I liked you.’

Sarah holds her gaze, unwavering, lips slightly pursed. She doesn’t say anything after that, not for a long time. But whatever’s going through her mind ends, and she relaxes her hands, letting them fall next to you. Her head’s tilted and her smile is small, sympathetic.

‘I’m sorry,’ she tells Kiara. ‘I really am. It wasn’t the right thing to do. But I just want you to know that I’m happy we got the chance to try again.’

It’s risky, and Kiara can’t believe she’s doing this, but she nods. ‘Promise you aren’t going to bail on me this time?’

Sarah smiles, and it’s bright, the usual smile she gives people when she’s herself, for the first time since Kiara arrived to the Cameron mansion. ‘I promise not to bail on you, Kiara Carrera.’

And she doesn’t. Things end on a good note between her and John B – turns out while Sarah was the one who instigated it, it was bound to happen, much like the Pogues predicted. Kiara goes over to the Chateau once Sarah’s better, and she finds the boys drunk, playing some drinking games she’s never heard of.

JJ pulls her into a hug the moment she arrives, and it’s almost unexpected how carefully he’s holding her.

‘Don’t do anything I would do,’ he whispers in her ear.

Kiara smiles against his cheek, giving it a light kiss. ‘Don’t worry, J. I’m not you.’

She sits on the couch and asks John B how he’s doing, and he pulls her into a hug. Pope catches her gaze, and his eyebrows shoot, glancing at her hands wrapped around John B’s neck.

‘Thanks for coming,’ John B says.

Kiara ruffles his hair, laughing lightly. ‘Of course. You’re my best friend.’

Pope and JJ stare, waiting for something—anything—to happen, except it doesn’t. They’re the Pogues, drinking beer in John B’s living room, helping one of them to put himself together, and that’s all there is.

They continue playing games, they give Kiara some beer, too, and it’s a fun night. John B doesn’t seem too beat up about the situation, which makes her happy, but that’s all it does. She doesn’t feel relief that he’s now single; she doesn’t feel the need to jump at him now that she has the opportunity.

Instead, her eyes glance to John B’s right side, which is where Sarah’s head would usually rest; his arm isn’t wrapped around anyone’s torso, and it feels almost like there’s something missing.

JJ is the one who catches her looking, but she doesn’t notice. It’s the expression on her face that makes him wonder; the way her eyes are gazing at the spot that used to be someone’s, almost tearfully, her smile shallower than it used to be.

Pope notices and Kiara notices him looking, because he’s sitting right across from her. The tilt of his head is asking her if she’s okay, and she nods, giving him a smile.

She is. She doesn’t have a reason not to be.

This is what she’s wanted all along, right?

But she can’t help the way her stomach flips when she looks over to where Sarah should be, and how she feels the empty space as if it were her own.

JJ notices. And JJ brings it up, a few days later, when they’re finally alone. He’s sitting in her bedroom as they wait for Pope to join their study group, having been held back by Heyward. JJ is spread across her bed but his feet are in her lap, unwilling to be anywhere other than people’s laps, apparently. The back of his head is propped up on his hands and he’s chewing a flower he plucked out of Kiara’s mom’s garden.

He nudges his foot into Kiara’s stomach, forcing her to bring her attention off the textbook she’s reading. ‘I poked you.’

Kiara sighs, closing the book. ‘What is it this time?’

‘You’re bothered about Sarah.’

She looks at him, lips pursed, and gives him a slight nod. ‘She’s our friend. Obviously I’m bothered.’

JJ frowns and purses his lips, mimicking her, and points a finger at her. ‘Poke. You’re upset because of more than that.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Poke. You know what I mean.’

‘No,’ Kiara insists, ‘I don’t.’

His grin is wild and he has this face that says he’s in on the joke, on the secret, even if this time there’s no secret. ‘Poke. You miss Sarah Cameron.’

‘I do. So?’

‘Poke. You _miss_ Sarah Cameron.’

‘You’ve just said it.’

JJ’s grin grows bigger and he shifts around, until his feet are playfully bopping at your knees. He looks like a kid that’s having fun, and Kiara smiles against her will, rolling her eyes.

‘Poke.’ He props himself up on his elbows and clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. ‘You know that’s not what I mean, Kie.’

Kiara shakes her head, finally pushing him off of her. ‘Wrong poke. And I’m done talking about this.’

JJ opens his mouth to talk, but he’s interrupted by Pope who walks through the door already ranting about his dad’s strict measures of keeping him in check, and JJ’s attention to whatever he thinks is going on with Kie is gone immediately. 

She sees it, now, and understands it in a way she hasn’t before. Pope and JJ don’t need anyone else – they only have eyes for each other. Sure, JJ keeps his feet in her lap, too, but he’s gentler with Pope. He teases him more, they joke around more, but he also seems more playful, brighter.

It’s not something Pope notices, of course, and Kiara wonders if she should intervene.

But it’s not her decision to make, so she doesn’t. Instead, she revels in the appreciation they have for one another, and doesn’t stop to wonder why it makes her think of Sarah’s golden smile when she said Kiara liked her.

In fact, she doesn’t think of her and JJ’s conversation until mid June, the day before Midsummer’s. Sarah takes her dress shopping, after the two girls have been spending quite some time together. The blonde has held onto her promise on not giving up on their friendship and Kiara appreciates it more than she could let her know.

Well, she does, by going shopping with her, and letting Sarah try to find her the ideal dress for Midsummer’s.

It’s a fun day. The Pogues are all working at the event and Kiara knows it’s going to be odd for her and Sarah to be on the other side of the food chain, but that’s the way it is in Kildare.

They’re shopping in Chapel Hill and they’re on a ferry home, when Sarah leans her head against Kiara’s shoulder.

It’s sudden and unexpected; Kiara fights the need to shudder. Her mouth opens to ask something, but her voice betrays her – what is she even going to ask? This is something JJ does all the time, something John B has done before, and Pope must’ve, too. She had girl friends when she was younger and they’d all do this thing.

It’s normal. It’s perfectly normal and unexpected – they’re friends after all.

She relaxes her shoulders slowly, hoping Sarah doesn’t notice. It’s a warm and sunny day, but there’s a breeze and she feels the scent of Sarah’s perfume. It’s sweet, just like a summer day, with a dash of some flowery scent in it. It’s her shampoo, Kiara realises, and her hair is just as soft as she thought it would be.

Before she realises what she’s doing, her hand slides around Sarah’s shoulder. Her skin is warm underneath Kiara’s fingertips and Sarah relaxes into the touch.

Neither of them talks for the rest of the ride.

When they get off, Sarah chats as usual, as if nothing has happened, and Kiara begins to wonder why she’s having to convince herself that _yes, she’s right, nothing happened._

They drop off the clothes at Sarah’s house, since that’s where they’ll be getting ready tomorrow, and Sarah offers to give her a ride home – except she doesn’t drive her home.

She drives her to the far north of the island. It’s a sandy beach, not far from Sarah’s home, and it’s just a little further from where most of the Kooks go for tanning. Golf courts aren’t too far away, either, but that’s not why Kiara gasps quietly when she finally realises where they are.

‘This is where we helped the turtles hatch.’

Sarah nods, turning the key and taking it out of the ignition. She spares Kiara a brief glance before she’s out of the car, the door slamming behind her.

_what the fuck is going on_ crosses Kiara’s mind, but she follows her friend out of the car.

The blonde is walking ahead and Kiara runs a little in order to catch up with her. The sound of her feet in the sand is louder than she’d like, but it doesn’t matter, because it makes Sarah laugh.

They take a seat next to the ocean that’s still, only the moon shining above it. There’s a lighthouse on a small island in front of them, too far to be loud enough to disturb them.

It’s almost as if the only sounds Kiara can hear are the ocean, Sarah’s rhythmic breathing, and her own heart pounding in her chest.

‘It was the best day of my life, too,’ Sarah says, staring out into the ocean. ‘I didn’t know it at the time.’

Kiara’s fingers begin drawing shapes in the sand. ‘Happens.’

‘Kie.’

When she looks up, the intensity of Sarah’s gaze is almost too much for her to bear. It’s almost as if there’s every single emotion pushed into a single glance, and sometimes Kiara thinks Sarah is too powerful for her own good.

It’s also somewhere about this moment that Kiara’s eyes glance to Sarah’s lips and she begins to wonder how they’d feel when being kissed, if they’d move in the same rhythm as hers. It’s also somewhere about this moment that Kiara realises that she’s not thinking about John B kissing her, and it probably never was about John B kissing her, in the first place.

It wasn’t Sarah she was jealous of. All these touches she kept imagining, forbidden and quiet in her head, masked as through the lenses of John B – she didn’t want to be _with_ John B, she wanted to _be_ him.

 _oh_ is just about the only coherent thought in Kiara Carrera’s brain in that moment. Because Kiara Carrera does not and has not liked John Booker Routledge.

It’s been the blonde girl she thought she was jealous of, and that’s been the problem the whole time, and Kiara wonders _how long?_

The ocean is dancing in the quiet and Sarah’s breaths are quiet and Kiara’s mind is quiet and all she can think about is all the thoughts she’s had for the past months—no, _years_ —and they’re rewriting themselves, to be the truth, to stop fitting the narrative she thought she was living.

JJ’s telling her she’s upset about John B dating Sarah, a joint in his mouth, poking the guess at her. Pope holding her hand as they talk about her situation, which is also the moment she realises _his_ situation regarding JJ, and it makes sense how she knew it felt the same. JJ is on her bed, flower in his mouth, poking the guesses at her, and this time he’s right when he says that she misses Sarah.

The blonde bastard is probably the first one who figured it out.

But then her mind wanders off to sitting on the floor in Sarah’s room, golden sunrays shining on the blonde girl, and Kiara figures it must just be the blonde instinct, because when Sarah said she stopped being friends with her because Kiara _liked_ her, there was a misunderstanding.

The _oh_ comes again, and Kiara’s eyes are still staring at Sarah’s lips.

Maybe a moment has passed since Sarah called her by her name. For Kiara, a lifetime has passed, a lifetime has changed.

Sarah bows her head, catching Kiara’s gaze. ‘I pushed you away because I liked you, too.’

A moment – that’s how long it takes for Kiara to press her lips against Sarah’s, her hand cupping the back of the girl’s stomach. It’s everything and nothing like she’s imagined, because it’s not John B kissing her, it’s Kiara, and it feels more earnest than any kisses between her and John B have.

Sarah’s lips are soft and she still smells like the same perfume and shampoo, and she tastes like the food they had at the Wreck, but she also tastes sweet and like summer and _she’s all summer days and summer nights and moments that never end._

Their lips move in sync, brushing and colliding all at once, a dance that feels like second language. Kiara’s hands graze Sarah’s jaw, kissing the corner of her lips, and Sarah’s hands are underneath Kiara’s waist, underneath the shirt, and where her fingers touch bare skin, she leaves _fire_.

When they part, they’re both out of breath, but they’re smiling and laughing and Kiara is savouring the moment, bottling it up, knowing this is the new best day of her life.

She kisses Sarah, again, and again, and once more just because she can. It’s not something she thinks she’ll ever get tired of.

‘I thought I was jealous of you,’ she whispers into Sarah’s mouth, kissing it again. ‘I thought I just had a girl crush.’

Sarah laughs, and it’s _heavenly_ , and Kiara feels the flutters in her stomach and they’re not empty anymore because Sarah is here, right in front of her, all _hers_.

Their lips brush again and it’s soft and it’s exploratory, and they’re both crossing a line they didn’t even realise was there, but it feels right. When Sarah laughs again and says ‘must’ve been one hell of a girl crush,’ Kiara kisses her until she’s too out of breath to laugh, and Kiara thinks that maybe she’s happy that John B took Sarah out on a date all those months ago, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, i hope you enjoyed it! you can come hang out with me on [tumblr](https://maybankiara.tumblr.com)!


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